Emerging from starvation: Why I can no longer fast

Some of the craziest shit has been happening to me recently.   Literally, the craziest.  I have no idea what’s going on.  That’s a lie.  I have a lot of ideas.  One of them has even been emerging over the last few days as the strongest contender, but that’s only after duking it out in the sea of idea-mediocrity for some time.  It’s like the island of misfit toys, but for insane hypotheses.

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Never let it be said I have anything other than insane hypotheses.

Okay.  I have to wind it back a bit for you.  You can scroll down to the last section of the post for the punch line if you’re an overly eager beaver.  What follows is a recap of my eating and PCOS history, with recent developments highlighted near the end.

———————————————————–

In 2009 I stopped menstruating.  This month, March 2012, marks the 29th month in a row that I haven’t had a period.  This is because I have the hormone disorder Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which means basically that my ovaries are constantly on the fritz.  Back in 2009, this condition was sent into hyperdrive. I lost ~25 pounds in 3 months on a low fat low calorie diet.  That’ quite an achievement for a 5’2 frame.  My already sluggish ovaries boarded up their windows and got the hell out of Dodge, leaving me alone to deal with the wreckage.

My body fat got down to probably around 18 percent, as a guess; it probably dipped to 17 at times, and at others rising to 19.  I’m not sure.  In any case, from that unhealthy low point in 2009 I adopted a paleo diet, though that didn’t trigger menstruation, and I built muscle, and I travelled and my hair stopped falling out and every man in the world started tripping over himself to put his tongue in my mouth.  (This actually happened.  It happened so frequently in fact that it developed it’s own name: the drive-by make out.   This is not a joke.  I was in Italy. Italian men are handsy, presumptuous little grabby primates.)

My sex drive was also in the shitter; I got moderate-severe cystic acne; I was (am) infertile.

But I was paleo.  I was healthy.  I started doing reading on PCOS and found loads of information– but it all was hard to dig up, and it was totally scattered, and even the people with the best ideas really didn’t have any kind of certainty.  The problem was that there’s lots of information out there, and also that PCOS is a bit complicated, such that the reason I was suffering my symptoms “could have been anything!”    I tried loads of things to fix the PCOS naturally: I ate super low carbohydrate for a while; I eliminated dairy and soy completely; I ate coconut; I ate fish; I cut out non-organic animal products; I ate “fertility” foods; I built muscle; I exercised; I fasted. 

Yeah.  So one of the things I did was fast.  I was told that PCOS is usually a disease of insulin dysregulation (true), so I figured I should fast in order to fix my sensitivity.  Okay!  Awesome.    Now I had scientific justification for my life of disordered eating, restriction, obsession, and hunger.   Hell to the y. e. s.!

Fast forward to the end of 2011.

Nothing has worked.  I’m fed-up.  I’m broken and pock-marked and frustrated like I’ve never been.  Tired of fighting and looking for answers.  I decide to try drugs.  They fuck me royally.  

One of the things that happens is I develop anxiety issues and the worst insomnia I’ve ever suffered.  I know this doesn’t sound like a big deal, but of all the health issues I’ve ever dealt with, this one of the worst.  I couldn’t possibly wish this kind of panicked existence on anyone.  Trying desperately to make it stop, I drop the thyroid medication.  It helps.  The anxiety dissipates, more or less.  All that is left is insomnia.  But it’s BATSHIT CRAZY INSOMNIA.  Like: Don’t-sleep-for-days insomnia.  It’s absurd, completely absurd– I really don’t know how to articulate just how fucked everything in your life becomes when you stop sleeping.  Don’t let this happen to you.  It’s fucked.

Did I mention being fucked?

Right.

I think it’s a good thing.

Now who’s fucked?

I’ve stayed on the testosterone blocking drug Spironolactone.  This has some potential to increase my estrogen levels, which is really important.  Yet far more important than being on this drug, I think, are some other “desperate” measures I have undertaken, finally, in submission to  last resorts.  I have added significant carbohydrate to my diet: 40-50 percent of calories, and my BMI has risen to 21.7.  I have also endeavored to eat more frequently, specifically whenever I am hungry, and to stop exercising, and do my best to convince my body that I am not starving.

And guess WHAT.  I think it’s working.

I think, too, sometimes, that I am detecting hints of a menstrual cycle.  (!)  By gauging the activity of my skin, my vaginal secretions (no longer dry as Oscar Wilde !), sensation in my clitoris (imagine… Jesus Christ… no, don’t imagine Jesus, I mean: imagine OMG not having any sensation down there for three years), and emotional changes…. well, it looks like my hormones are up to something.

Which brings us to the topic of today’s post: emerging from starvation.

These days, I absolutely can not sleep unless I am fed.   This fact scares me for a number of reasons, and it seems crazy, but really, the evidence is clear.  At night, I lay awake literally until the sun comes up unless I’ve had a full, satiating meal beforehand.  On nights I do sleep, I wake up energized and ravenous, usually quite early.  During the day, I might feel exhausted, but I can’t sleep unless I eat.  Often I will lay down to nap or to sleep, and I just know that my body is too energized, and I feel sort of caffeine-type jittery, but then I’ll eat an avocado and I’ll be instantaneously exhausted and fall asleep on the spot.

Fucked.

What’s happening to me is on the surface clear, even if the reasoning is less so: it’s adrenaline.  Nothing in the world I think has the ability to keep the body running like this for so long except for adrenaline.  I have gone now several days at a time where I hardly sleep at all but am never tired…. it’s adrenaline, it’s got to be, and I have a theory.  Surprise.

————————————–

I have sworn very recently to never let my body go hungry.  Today, I eat whenever I get the urge to, come hell or high water… or– holy hellfire, Batman!– a size 27 jean.   I have to make this happen.   Literally.  It feels so unnatural.   And it is brand new for me.  Even though I’ve been fasting under the guise of healthy eating for a significant chunk of time now, I have actually been denying myself food, dieting, counting calories, and cycling in and out of severe restriction since I was ~15 years old.

I have been hungry since I was 15 years old.  I think my body had rather gotten used to it.  Up until…hell, yesterday, I thought it was the normal state of existence.

But now… now… with the added weight, with the dedication to reduced stress… certain hormone systems I think are kicking back into life.   My body is having none of starvation.  It’s just completely done; it won’t let me do it anymore; the jig is up– I’m packing up my skinny pants forever.   In some ways this is really sad, and still it’s really difficult, but in other ways it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The most amazing thing happened to me last night:

I went out to dinner with some friends, and I did not finish my pho because I did not WANT to. 

Holy shit.  Holy shit.  I’m shaking my computer, guys.  If you’re a disordered eater, you know how big of a deal this is.  I did not want to keep eating!!11!1!!!1!!sin(90)1!!1!!!  Now that  I am treating my body with respect, it’s respecting me right back.  Is my obsession with food waning?  After almost ten years?  Was the answer really as simple as making a commitment to reduced stress and consistent satiation?

—————————————————–

I’m not getting my hopes up.  It’s early.  My hormones are in giant flux.  I really have no idea what is happening.   Honestly, I don’t understand any of it.  Why the adrenaline, why now?  Why wasn’t it working this way before?  Is it because other hormones are fluctuating?  Because my cells are emerging from a several-year period of semi-starvation and, in their new energy state, are steadfastly refusing to go back?  Maybe.  I know that I’m grasping at straws.  But I don’t know what else to grasp at.  Only time will tell.

For now, I’m going to continue to eat when I’m hungry.  This sounds like a completely normal idea, but for me and for all the other people out there with disordered relationships with food, it seems almost impossible.   I’ll try to keep at it, and I’ll let you know how it goes.  Who knows.  Maybe now that I’ve got that side of the equation, I’ll be able to continue to stop eating when I’m full.  And this will, in the very least, enable me to keep getting rest at night.  That’s the most important part.   I really can’t say that enough.  Sleep is important.  I’ll do anything to get it back.

I’ll write more on starvation in a while.  I’ll keep you posted.  It’s interesting; it’s abnormal; I’m freaked out and nervous as shit; but also I’m tentatively psyched.   The future is scary, but if I can manage to trust my body just a little while longer, I may in fact be saved.

 

 

 

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03 2012

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  1. Jon #
    1

    Trying to form the words, but mostly just want to say “wow”. This is such a powerful piece of writing on so many levels.
    First, it shows how important it is to listen to our bodies.
    Second, when going Paleo it is super important to EAT! You should not be hungry. It something that I think people struggle with because we are trained to eat smaller portions and such, but because we are removing all of the “filler” we need to replace it with goo protein and fat. When people tell me they are hungry it usually as simple as they are eating too lean.
    Third, N=1. We are all different and figuring out that you need more carb, or more food more often, or whatever is crucial to success. This goes back to “listening to our bodies”.
    I wonder if there might also be a bit of adrenal burnout/overtraining here as well? I would go easy on the training and make your hormone restarting the most important thing right now. That’s my last point, take it easy.
    Please keep writing, this is truly inspirational. Best of luck.

    Jon

    • pepper #
      2

      Oh yes, I am most certainly adrenally burnt to hell and back. :)

  2. Ole #
    3

    Hi,

    Nice post!. It’s motivating to read about your story. I think there is a lot of us out there “grasping at straws”, because that is the only thing we can.

  3. Vanessa #
    4

    Hey!

    It’s funny how our experiences are so similar! I have the same extreme diet, crazy stress, paleo, fasting background. When I was fasting, I never slept. I mean I’d sleep a couple of hours a night for a few weeks and then I didn’t sleep at for a few weeks, and on and on…
    The first time I did an extreme diet, I lost 21 pounds (at 5’1″ I went from 124 with 33% body fat — very high for my weight, but I had undiagnosed hypothyroidism at the time — to 103 pounds with 14 % body fat — seriously! — in 4 months!!!) so, needless to say, I stopped getting my period. Also, I was skinny, skinny skinny and I thought I was awesome. Until my hair started falling out and the anxiety attacks started and my period stopped… no, I still thought it was awesome because I was so fricking skinny! Anyway, I gained a little weight — maybe 10 pounds — felt better and got my period back for a few months. Then, I went through a period of crazy stress, decided paleo and fasting was the answer (after all, I was getting fat, right?) and dropped the ten pounds plus in ONE month. Skinny, skinny, skinny again. And cold, period disappeared, all the symptoms came back, thyroid meds, and TWO years of debilitating anxiety and insomnia. Cortisol through the roof. You’re right — you can feel the adrenaline pumping. Makes you crazy. Absolutely crazy. Still, I kept fasting. Stopped and then started right up again. After all, it’s healthy, right? No period for three years. Then, as you said in this wonderful blog, I just couldn’t do it anymore. My body had had enough. I started eating CARBS CARBS CARBS and stopped fasting. It took a while to adjust. Gained weight, yes, but not a crazy amount. Took a really long time to start sleeping again normally. Months and months of waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes three to four times a week, needing to eat or I thought I would die. Two or three rolls at four in the morning was the only thing that would let me sleep. If I didn’t eat every couple of hours, I felt like I was going to pass out. And little by little, I felt my hormones come back online — just like you. I first noticed a change over Christmas — I ate a lot of food and cheesecake for dessert — Sugar, fat, and carbs, can you imagine? — and I started to feel different. Started to feel like I used to so long ago before the low/no carb diets, before the severe calorie restriction, before the fasting, and exercise obsession, before my main goal in life was to be skinny…
    I just finished my first period in three years. I knew it was coming. I felt it, but I thought it was too good to be true. And then, seven days ago, my period started like it never left. Like it was five years ago again.
    And I too have recently stopped eating so much because, like you, I’m not as hungry as I was. I sleep great most of the time and if I get up at all, usually once to pee, I take a little sip of OJ or coconut water and I fall back to sleep immediately. Be patient, it takes a long time to come back from starvation and beating up your hormones! The food/ juice drops your cortisol/adrenaline in 10-15 minutes, that’s why you need to eat to sleep.
    Did I gain weight? Yeah, but I don’t look all that terrible. I’m 123 pounds again with 25 % body fat, but sometimes I don’t think I look so bad. Other times, well… old habits die hard. I really did like being a 00 Petite! Maybe all the exercise I did has kept me from looking flabby. I still go to the gym, but I’ve slowed down on the crazy cardio. Yeah, I’m wearing a 26/27 jean and I’m skipping between 2p-4p, but I got my boobs back! And that’s nice! Oh — and I’m fertile again. That’s awesome because I’m getting old and time is running out. You’re still young, you’ll get your period back soon. Probably in a couple of months. And then you’ll have plenty of time for babies, if you want them… :)
    The other thing that helped was dropping my coffee obsession — like cutting off an arm — and I stopped drinking so much water and started eating more salt. That’s helped a lot. Oh, and lots of bananas and sweet potatoes and bagels!
    Anyway, you’re on the road to recovery! You’ll see.
    Thanks, Stef, for all you do. You make me feel a little less alone… As I said in my last post, women need young talented writers like you. Women need to know that trying to be skin and bones will ruin their lives and their potential fertility. Your blog is terrific and it makes me hopeful!
    Nessa
    P.s. — sorry I’m long-winded! :)

    • pepper #
      5

      OHMYGOD, no, don’t apologize… this is so comforting. Nessa, I can’t thank you enough. As much as I tout and promote what I’m doing, I honestly have no idea what is happening with my body, and whether or not I’m making progress, getting better… it’s always so scary, not being able to sleep, and dealing with the anxiety. Thank you so much for sharing… you have totally eased the panic on my shoulders. Clearly I have a ways yet to go before I achieve what you have, but you have given me more faith that I’m doing the right thing. Gods. THANK YOU.

    • pepper #
      6

      Also, WOW, we are almost exactly the same size. WAS a 00, am now 2-4!! Am 5’2, 120 lbs!

  4. Nuka #
    7

    I absolutely love your fierce writing and honesty! Keep these comin’, you’re one of a kind.

    Question: when you do eat whenever you are hungry do you still eat “paleo” or have you added stuff? Do you keep track of the amounts?

    • pepper #
      8

      OH GREAT QUESTION. It’s hard… I don’t really think of paleo as a list of foods. I think of it more as a perspective, and as guidelines… such that I like to think I am 100 percent paleo. But in terms of my compliance with typical paleo foods, yeah, I guess in this way too I consider myself about as ‘good’ as you can get. This is mostly because the “problem” foods for me with PCOS are problem foods for paleo in general. And I NEVER eat foods that are bad for my PCOS. Most notable among these are dairy and soy, but soy is just the worst of the legume offenders. I don’t eat any legumes, nuts, or seeds. I eat organic, grass fed meats only (industrial meats have too many hormones), and liver often (nutritious, sure, but CHEAP). I eat white rice and/or different varieties of sweet potato every day.
      I don’t eat fruit that often, mostly because I’m still terrified of putting on weight (14 pounds of weight gain is enough for now). And I do occasionally have a beer or some handfuls of wheat-based cereal. Wheat is totally benign for PCOS, so I consider it better for me, at least at this point, than anything in the dairy/legume/soy/phytoestrogen category.
      If I didn’t have PCOS, I’d probably “cheat.” At this point, I can’t afford to.

      Yea, I still count calories. Shoot me. I’m doing it less. But I… well, I want to stay this weight. I’m not ready for a new wardrobe. I try not to obsess over it, but this is an automatic action for me… very easy… since I turned 15 I have known the caloric content of nearly every food. That’s something that’s impossible to forget. Especially for someone who can only squeeze in 15- or at most 1800 calories per day and maintain weight.

  5. Alex #
    9

    Hey Stef,

    Have you read anything by Geneen Roth or Marc David? I think you mind their books kinda interesting; they go (kind of) hand-in-hand with some of the conclusions you were getting to in this post…check ‘em out! Some insightful shit…

    :)

    • pepper #
      10

      Alex hi! NO, BUT I WILL :)

  6. Lily #
    11

    I love your post! I have been having some of the same fertility issues but without having PCOS. I’m not sure what the exact reason is that I haven’t had my period in about a year- well actually it came almost 3 times over the summer after taking drugs- but it has been gone since September. According to 3 ob/gyns my hormones are normal but I’m just not ovulating. I go to acupuncture, take herbs, eat paleo/primal, meditate, exercise moderately but at high intense intervals, eat fertility foods (liver, eggs, fermented foods, broth, etc), avoid alcohol. Additionally, I’ve been seeing a therapist to work out some of my sex issues with men. Nothing! No period, no sex drive.

    Over the past few months I have really increased my fat intake and have been gaining weight (about 5-10 lbs but I was already at a healthy weight) and wish I was having an easy time with it. Since I was 14 my goal has been to be as thin/fit as i can. I have thought of myself as eating healthy in recent years but I really wasn’t eating when hungry. Often I would skip dinner and definitely didn’t eat enough fat. I wasn’t extremely underweight but everyone commented that i was thin. I hate to admit it but I don’t’ want to be “average”- which is what I fear I am now. However, my main goal now is to become fertile again (I have one child and had normal periods for ever) so my diet is focused on fertility but it is so hard to go through this change. I have already gotten rid of some skinny pants from my extreme thin days when I was nursing and am not ready for a new wardrobe…

    I apologize for the long comment but am inspired that things are improving for you and you are learning to trust your body! I wish you all the best!

    • pepper #
      12

      Hi. Thank you. I am happy that you are eating fertility foods, and that you are pushing at your psychological limitations for what the ideal body is. I want to tell you that can you fit into your ideal image and be fertile and healthy, but after trying for several years I just don’t think it’s possible. It is the actual fat content on your body that matters the most of all variables. YES I think the types of foods you’re eating and the exercising you’re doing is important, but without fat… I don’t know. The more I eat, THE LESS I FAST, the stronger and stronger my sex drive is. And the more discharge I have. And the more and more I think I am inching towards fertility. This is the case in my life, but I have seen it in so many others, too. So, so many others. It is only by their strong and awesome example (see Nessa’s comment) that I have been able to begin to own and love and take care of my whole body.

  7. Lex #
    13

    I read this blog post with interest last week, but now I’m reading it with OMG, YES, someone said it. I’ve been slowly adding carbs back into my diet after doing about 30 carbs a day for months. I’m realizing that because of adrenal fatigue, low-carb is awful for me. Ketosis and gluconeogenesis are specifically bad for me because they both require cortisol, and I’ve already depleted that or had it shooting through the roof because of chronic stress. Low-carb doesn’t help. If I’m super-stressed with a deadline, my hair falls out in scary clumps. In January and February of this year when I started working out more at the same time, I all of sudden had insomnia for the first time in my life. I’d never had sleep problems before and then all of a sudden I couldn’t sleep more than 4-5 hours together. These problems are symptoms of high cortisol and high low cortisol. I’ve realized I’m better off eating more carbohydrates and snacks during the day because that keeps my liver from asking my adrenals for more cortisol. I was scared to start doing it because I thought I might start bingeing like I did when I was more insulin resistant, but I’m fine.

    So, what I’m finding is, sure – don’t go carb crazy. Do whatever keeps your blood sugar stable. Outside of that, I’ve got to reduce stress to help heal my adrenals (which hog sex hormone builders when they’re depleted). I’m on a forum at Mark’s Daily Apple and I’ve got a circle of women who have all plateaued no matter what they did and realizing low-carb has been not healthy. We’re all focused now on stress management while maintaining a clean diet. I personally wanted weight loss to be as simple as the right diet, calorie count and exercise regimen, but it just ain’t working. I’ve been cornered into realizing I’m not going to improve much at all unless I start managing stress (aka the way I think about the world) better. That will, in turn, hopefully naturally lead to lower cortisol, lower calories and a lower weight. For now, I have to just concentrate on how I feel.

    • pepper #
      14

      Thanks Lex! I’m so excited for you! I’d love to get a look at that forum– share the link?

  8. 15

    Hello Pepper,

    I found your blog through Chicken Tender’s blog and spent most of my morning (while nursing) reading through some of your posts. I just want to say I appreciate your honesty in this search for wellness. I’ve been doing some research with paleo lately as several of my fave food blogs have swung that way, but now I’m not so sure. While I agree that many people should cut way back on carbs (our portion sizes are outrageous in America!) and not be afraid to eat meat (no thanks to the fat-free diet push) as well as pay attention to our bodies (food allergies and such and how it is affecting our moods and bodies), I’m not sure if paleo is for everyone.

    My own history mirrors yours in this way: I used to diet constantly. I ate a very healthy fat-free diet and did lots of cardio since the time of high school (I’m 36 now). I lost weight every now and then but could never reach that ideal size I had in my head. Because I am a naturally curvy girl (big boobs and hips), I could never get under a size 8. Then I read a book that changed my life: The Weigh Down Workshop. Now, I want to be clear, I’m not advocating this book. This lady went off the deep end years later and started a religious cult. No thank you. BUT in this book I found truth that I needed to hear. I found this book while praying desperately for an answer and felt nudged towards this on at the library. To warn others, it is a Christian book (which was okay with me – I’m a Christian!). In it she discusses her struggle with dieting and coming to the simple realization that she could be free from food bondage if she just ate when she was hungry and stopped when she was full, even if there was food on her plate. Surely it couldn’t be this easy? So I stopped buying fat-free and started adding fat back in my diet. I started listening to my body and eating when hungry and stopping when full.

    The amazing thing – I lost thirty pounds, my acne cleared up, my hair got stronger and longer and shinier, my folliculitis (on my legs) went away (and THAT was like a miracle since I hid in jeans, never wearing shorts from the shame) and my sex drive went through the roof. My body healed from deprivation of a major nutrient deficiency. Being a closet binger, I was finally free from food bondage. Oh how I love to have a hot fresh piece of homemade bread slathered with butter! My husband is a chef so this freedom has allowed me to eat his food freely without guilt.

    I now have 6 beautiful children. Being pregnant that often has taken a toll on my body. I’m at a higher weight than I’d like to be (though I’m starting to lose some weight again now that my 16 month old is starting to wean) and have found myself tempted to deprive myself of carbs and do the paleo thing since it has been so successful in helping people lose weight. But, thanks in part to your honest post, I think I will choose to be happy at my current weight. I don’t own a scale anymore (threw that out years ago) so I have no idea what that weight is. What I do know is that my husband LOVES my curves, I have healthy skin and hair, I have a great sex life, my periods are regular (like clock-work), and I ovulate beautifully. My mother-in-law has PCOS and diabetes. I sympathize with you on wanting to heal that and I’m going to choose to be grateful for my healthy state of being and not get sucked down into a new quagmire of legalistic food rules. We already eat healthy, whole, real food and stay away from processed garbage. We are working towards a more sustainable, local, preserve-our-own food way of life. In the interim I will quit the bitching in my head and appreciate the good I have!

    Best of luck to you and keep up the honesty – more people need to hear it!

  9. DFH #
    16

    Great post, and great blog! I surfed over here after your interview with Moore. Congrats on the site.

    Fasting to lean out is for people with no hormone issues.

    Paleo is pushing it too hard.

  10. bcosmos #
    17

    Hi Pepper,
    I listenend to your podcast with Jimmy this morning and felt a crazy kinda kinship with you and where you are at. Felt like I wanted to call you up after and have a chat. I wanted to share a few things about my journey that might provide you and your readers some insight. I am 32, and have struggeled with body image and dieting throughout most of my 20′s; doing what I thought was healthy, but really just put myself in into amenorrhea for 4-6 years on and off and hypothryoidism.
    Regarding losing the period thing: for myself and two people I know of, the final tipping point of getting it back was having regular sex. Not even sex for me, when I met my boyfriend, we didn’t even kiss, I started my period the next weekend after hanging out for a week or so (just really attracted to him). I am sure that this is what triggered it, because each previous time that I had had a sporadic period it was directly after having sex. I had tried everything else including two progesterone challenges, gaining body fat and…I think it’s partly a use it or lose it game when it comes to sex hormones.
    The other huge game changer has been stepping out of researching, thinking, and over-analyzing and disconnecting completely, in turn completely connecting with and visualizing health in my body. You can reference the fact that I am a dirt worshipping hippy here:) I was just diagnosed hypothryoid, I believe partly due to HPA axis disregulation and bromide toxicity and was hopelessly searching for the right dx and treatment. When I took a week vacation away from technology and furious research, I was able to shift my focus, have a ton of fun, then re-focus on what felt right, rather than trying the newest prescribed protocol. Happy to say that this stress relief/disconnection with over thinking, coupled with an excellent diet, daily meditation, and the right amount of exercise has been a game changer. More energy, regular periods, normal appetite/food intake etc. Felling like a healthy person again after a long time of this not being the case.
    One last thing, your image of what a beautiful body is can change, depending on what you focus on. Used to be the skinny girl thing for me, now it’s the hour glass, curves in the right places deal. I think that most guys would agree.
    Hope this provides some insight to someone out there.
    Love what you are doing and the fact that you are acknowledging the grosst epidemic of body dismorphia.
    Kindly,
    B

    • pepper #
      18

      B! Let’s hang out! Thank you for sharing. Will work on lasso-ing a willing sacrifice for the sex experiment. I think you’re totally right– and its not something I’ve talked about on the blog much because saying “de stress!” to people doesn’t exactly get them to de-stress. So I use more indirect methods such as railing about beauty and health norms.

      Nonetheless, I’ve been mulling over ideas re: belief and positivity and health for some time, and I have reconciled myself with the fact that my stressful life is probably why I have all of these issues in the first place. Positivity is becoming the focus of my own health, and I can totally see this becoming the dominant theme of this blog as well. Perhaps that’s the new focus/direction of my blog– how to achieve optimal health by not caring (you know, while caring) about health.

      THANK YOU again. I really– while I believe in what I am doing, and am developing a certain (and tenuous!) faith in my body, I have no true idea of its efficaciousness. I want to present a strong face on the blog, but really I’ll take all the encouragement I can get.

  11. jessica rae #
    19

    b-weird that you mention the attractedness/sex factor in instigating your flow. i know the last time i had mine i moved in with a roommate who was cute, younger then i, 21 or 22ish (full of hormones) and totally puppy dog eyes over me, although his feelings went unrequited i had my second period in three years (the first had been two months earlier and was with the “super moon”, also i will have you know i totally wore red and let everyone know i was bleeding, i felt 12 but proud, lol!). ha, perhaps just being around such lust and pheromones got me going, human heat? i was also at a higher weight for my body and eating lots of non-grass fed meat and grits and butter! also in a really low stress living and working situation. i havent had it for two years since, grrr, due to working and exercising myself into the dirt, eating way too low carb and other random martyr and perfection-esque driven insanity! i can also say the last relationship i was in was so hard, i basically broke down because i dont really want sex and so i have this huge anxiety over relationships because, pepper you are so right, we all just want sex, we want love and babies…and, fuck, life can seem kind of meaningless without that being the climax of climaxes. so it would be totally hard, and probably painful, for me to have sex just for the sake. just got not urge. i love all of what you said though b:)



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